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When couples are in the honeymoon stage, everything they do and say is driven by the neurochemicals.As biological anthropologist Helen Fisher studied, not only is there a surge of “feel good” chemicals when we are falling in love, but the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions such as fear and judgement is deactivated. I hear the frustration in my client’s voices when they first enter my office, looking at me as they slowly place their relationship in my hands.They start with the presenting issue and describe for me the source of motivation for therapy.A great way to do this is to plan on going to bed about 20 minutes earlier than usual.Before dozing off, fill each other in on what’s been going on in your inner worlds. John Gottman refers to this exchange as the Stress-Reducing Exercise.When sharing their current challenges, I hear a lot of “we have communication issues”, “we fight about everything”, “there’s no time for sex”, “ wants to have sex”, etc.But then I stop them and ask them to tell me about the evolution of their relationship. It takes a couple some time to step away from their present dynamic in order to reflect on who they were years ago.
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The whole point of dating is to learn more about another—their dreams, passions, what drives them, what feeds their soul.By keeping one another updated, validating each other’s experiences, and expressing empathy, the couple is building on their emotional attraction for one another which in turn, increases physical attraction.
